They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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