i already hear my dad disowning me
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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