No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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