The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
