I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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