just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
