You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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