if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
