I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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