i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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