At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
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Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
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Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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