i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
