I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Just invented taco cereal.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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