Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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