I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
10 Things Your Gyno Wants You To Stop Doing To Your Vagina
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
For Some Reason, Boys Are Singing The ‘Halo’ Theme Song In School Bathrooms
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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