i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
