Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
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