FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
