i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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