After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
