I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
