You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
