You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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