my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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