i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
