Michael Bay diarrhea
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
