Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
