I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
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