All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
