my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
