You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
