You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
you inspire me to be a worse person
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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