you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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