I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load