Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?