All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters