You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.