I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
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He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I wish there were birth control emojis
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I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.