I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care