Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.