I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.