I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love