i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.