I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge