One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep