Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.