Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
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I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
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Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.