We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch