Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
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If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
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When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.