Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
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Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
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I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.