dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.