Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.