I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...