I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.