just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.