Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
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I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
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He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.