The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Dating After Heartbreak
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.