Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
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Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
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Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.