plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.