She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.